I really should not be typing out this sentence right now, worst still, I really should not be contemplating writing a paragraph. Alas, I have written a sentence and the paragraph seems to be coming along nicely. I will let you in on a little secret: My impending doom has come back for a visit, and it has brought along with it some vodka, hence why I should turn the lap top off immediately. However after having this argument with myself for the last hour, my blog has won and here I am. But why am I really here? The question is why are any of us really here? I am starting to think that we are all just an experiment and the clever folk are sitting back in their super comfy pent house seats laughing their assess off at us 'simple folk' killing ourselves and our planet. Good experiment right? Well, we all have to learn from somewhat of a mistake I guess? It just so seems to be that the mistake happens to be us. Or more to the point, me. Yes dear 5 readers, my impending doom has returned with a sodding vengeance tonight. Why the doom and gloom? You tell me... My usually happy go lucky self seems to have deserted me. I watched it head into the kitchen, pour a vodka, drink the bottle, view my 40 year old future self and found myself looking into a mirror. Scary shit people, scary shit. I am not supposed to be a single 40 year old aging socialite with my head stuck in a bucket of vodka. Jesus no. I am supposed to be the super successful, super happy married gal. But looking into my mirror on the wall, something seems to have gone terribly wrong somewhere along the way. I was a head strong, willful yet stupid 16 year old just yesterday. What the hell happened in just 24 small hours? 15 years happened. My god, 15 years actually happened. I jumped on that plane without a care in the world. I came to Marmaris. I stayed in Marmaris. I made a life for myself. I bought all my own furniture. I rented a stupidly huge apartment. I got a dog. I bought a car. I started a business. But what have I really got? Impending doom and bloody vodka thats what. I once knew that by the time I was 30 I would be married and settled with 'the one'. Well, 30 came and 30 went without any of the above. 31 is here now and I seem to have found myself in the ghost of boyfriends past. I look back and think that if I had liked any of them just a bit more, if I had accepted a marriage proposal or 2, would I be looking forward into the mirror of horror and wondering if life could have been different? Yes, you may be surprised to hear that there have been marriage proposals. 4 in fact. I accepted one and after a year knew I had made a mistake. But what about the others? What if's are dangerous things to think about when you have a phone full of credit and a glass full of vodka. But then again, so are blogs as Im sure to find out in the morning... Ahh f@*k it. Thats what I have got to say on this matter. Thats all I wish my status update to be. Sometimes you just need to let it all out. What I am letting out is still a mystery to me, however I am sure that once the vodka haze clears things may become apparent. Question: Should you let yourself be anyone's 2nd best? Answer: Urm, tit, hell no. So why do we then? I dont think I am the only one guilty of this cardinal sin, but when does it end? When is enough really enough? I think I have just answered that one myself. But have I, have I really? I doubt it as being a girl filled with impending doom, vodka and a phone full of credit, I will possibly try to find out in the not too distant future... Jesus that mirror scared me. So I guess I should do something about that image, but what? What is a dam good question. I have just got back from my holidays in Spain and shouldn't be feeling like this so soon. To be fair, impending doom has not come to visit for a while, however tonight was different. You know what I mean, I am having one of those nights where you start to question your entire being. You take a long hard look at yourself and think WTF. Its the WTF that has really done it for me. I dont want to be me anymore. I want to be someone else. I want to be that rich, successful person that has the book published, that has the house of my dreams, life of my dreams, man of my dreams, etc. Alas, Im not. But if looking in that mirror has taught me one thing, it's taught me that Im going to be that person come hell or high water. Sod this life for a laugh and a picnic. Honest to god, sod it. I want more god dam it. And Im going to get more too. I will claw my way to the top, I will finish my book and get it published, I will get the life that I know belongs to me, and I will smash that lying mirror. I am a fighter not a sheep. I am someone that does not go down that easily. In the words of Gloria Gaynor: I will survive! Actually sod off Gloria, I wont just survive, I will rule my own world. Dam it, I am going to do it. And with that, I am going to the fridge to pour myself another glass full of impending doom.
2 Comments
Trudy
11/6/2011 01:04:49 am
Louise, your life is full of wonderful experiances" Dont get so down in the dumps.Your life will change for the better if you just believe" Hope you will get everything you so dearly want. Good Luck"
Reply
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
Louise BellWelcome to my world... Archives
December 2021
Categories
All
|