![]() So I saw my ex today. What a lovely sight it was too. I saw him walk down the marina and straight into the place where me and my friends were sitting. I saw him pull up a pew just a table away and it was even more lovely seeing him pull out a chair for the girl that he was with... Like a time machine I was transported back to 4 years ago to when we used to do the exact same thing. Yep, me and my friends plus him and his friends used to all hang out together every Sunday on the marina on a warm winters day drinking beer and having some laughs. Times have changed. Not only am I 4 years older in age, I am 4 years older in mind. So what does this mean exactly? Absolutely nothing as I sit here with a vodka in my hand trying to type whilst also trying not to shed a tear. Sodding hell. Its not as if I miss him. I got over that a long arsed time ago. He has done me wrong in so many ways that I cant even explain so I must point out here that I dont even want this tool back in my life. But it hurt non the less. He was the one that got away, the one that broke my heart that now seems to be made of stone. Yep, he kick started my writing as people got so sick of me talking about him after we broke up that I had to find a new way to vent and writing was how I did it. Thanks I guess, cos without you, I wouldnt be where I am today. And where is that exactly? I'll tell you where: Sitting at home, drinking vodka alone, contemplating calling up a dude just for a comfort thing to make sure that I am still desirable and wanted... Yeah, like I said, thanks... I have been thinking about him a lot lately. Not in the way that you may think here dear 5 readers, believe me. I have started to realize that this ex of mine is going to get married soon. Maybe not to the girl that he was with today, but as he is Turkish, they all decide to get married once they hit 30 and usually to one of there own kind. Now there aint nothing wrong with that believe me. But why stick your toe in the foreigner lake if you knew that you would not settle there eventually? Because some men are selfish thats why. Some men want take the whole cake and shovel it down there lactose intolerant throats. Good for them right? Yeah... Right... I would not want this Mummies boy back if he came a crawlin' but it doesnt stop the cogs from turnin' does it. 31 and never married in Turkey is kind of like being 45 and never married anywhere else in the world. You are thought of as an old maid, a spinster and being left on the shelf for a reason, that reason being that you are damaged goods. Maybe they are right, maybe I am damaged goods, but who the hell isnt? Jesus. What do I have? Thankfully friends, but unfortunately friends that have boyfriends kinda make it worse. They dont want to come out on a Saturday night, they dont want to do a lot of things. Why? Because they have boyfriends and dont need to go out too much anymore. They dont need to go fishing and kiss the frogs. They have paid their dues and have settled down. Sometimes with the wrong ones, but non the less, they have someone on a cold winters night here in Marmaris. So once again, where does that leave me? Sitting on the sofa with the dog and a glass of vodka, watching ridiculous rom coms, shedding a tear for what coulda shoulda woulda and not out on the town like a single socialite should be. Ha, Im living the dream right? As if. Another pain in the asse is the fact that I seem to have lost all motivation. I cant shift my asse into gear. My book is complete but the will to edit it has gone. I thought I had the will earlier this week when I actually cleaned my house, but then I decided to sit my butt back on the sofa and do nothing instead. I realize that I cant blame the sodding ex for all of this, and that makes this a travesty as I have no one else to blame apart from my god dam self. How bloody marvelous. So im signing off for now. Im signing off with my impending doom that only seems to get worse as the vodka keeps flowing. The answer seems easy, stop drinking vodka right? Wrong. I am drinking the vodka for a reason. That reason is to escape this miserable existence that I seem to have found myself in for the last week. What the vodka brings with it is not so great I admit. It encourages the most stupid behavior I have ever known, but, so be it. So be it. I am hoping that normal service will be resumed shortly as my dear 5 readers know that this is not a normal thing for me. I cant even blame it on the monthly, so sod it, Im gonna blame the ex and his new wife to be. I hope you will both have a terrible happy and mundane life, as that is something that I could never have offered. Mundane is just not my box of frogs.
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![]() I really should not be typing out this sentence right now, worst still, I really should not be contemplating writing a paragraph. Alas, I have written a sentence and the paragraph seems to be coming along nicely. I will let you in on a little secret: My impending doom has come back for a visit, and it has brought along with it some vodka, hence why I should turn the lap top off immediately. However after having this argument with myself for the last hour, my blog has won and here I am. But why am I really here? The question is why are any of us really here? I am starting to think that we are all just an experiment and the clever folk are sitting back in their super comfy pent house seats laughing their assess off at us 'simple folk' killing ourselves and our planet. Good experiment right? Well, we all have to learn from somewhat of a mistake I guess? It just so seems to be that the mistake happens to be us. Or more to the point, me. Yes dear 5 readers, my impending doom has returned with a sodding vengeance tonight. Why the doom and gloom? You tell me... My usually happy go lucky self seems to have deserted me. I watched it head into the kitchen, pour a vodka, drink the bottle, view my 40 year old future self and found myself looking into a mirror. Scary shit people, scary shit. I am not supposed to be a single 40 year old aging socialite with my head stuck in a bucket of vodka. Jesus no. I am supposed to be the super successful, super happy married gal. But looking into my mirror on the wall, something seems to have gone terribly wrong somewhere along the way. I was a head strong, willful yet stupid 16 year old just yesterday. What the hell happened in just 24 small hours? 15 years happened. My god, 15 years actually happened. I jumped on that plane without a care in the world. I came to Marmaris. I stayed in Marmaris. I made a life for myself. I bought all my own furniture. I rented a stupidly huge apartment. I got a dog. I bought a car. I started a business. But what have I really got? Impending doom and bloody vodka thats what. I once knew that by the time I was 30 I would be married and settled with 'the one'. Well, 30 came and 30 went without any of the above. 31 is here now and I seem to have found myself in the ghost of boyfriends past. I look back and think that if I had liked any of them just a bit more, if I had accepted a marriage proposal or 2, would I be looking forward into the mirror of horror and wondering if life could have been different? Yes, you may be surprised to hear that there have been marriage proposals. 4 in fact. I accepted one and after a year knew I had made a mistake. But what about the others? What if's are dangerous things to think about when you have a phone full of credit and a glass full of vodka. But then again, so are blogs as Im sure to find out in the morning... Ahh f@*k it. Thats what I have got to say on this matter. Thats all I wish my status update to be. Sometimes you just need to let it all out. What I am letting out is still a mystery to me, however I am sure that once the vodka haze clears things may become apparent. Question: Should you let yourself be anyone's 2nd best? Answer: Urm, tit, hell no. So why do we then? I dont think I am the only one guilty of this cardinal sin, but when does it end? When is enough really enough? I think I have just answered that one myself. But have I, have I really? I doubt it as being a girl filled with impending doom, vodka and a phone full of credit, I will possibly try to find out in the not too distant future... Jesus that mirror scared me. So I guess I should do something about that image, but what? What is a dam good question. I have just got back from my holidays in Spain and shouldn't be feeling like this so soon. To be fair, impending doom has not come to visit for a while, however tonight was different. You know what I mean, I am having one of those nights where you start to question your entire being. You take a long hard look at yourself and think WTF. Its the WTF that has really done it for me. I dont want to be me anymore. I want to be someone else. I want to be that rich, successful person that has the book published, that has the house of my dreams, life of my dreams, man of my dreams, etc. Alas, Im not. But if looking in that mirror has taught me one thing, it's taught me that Im going to be that person come hell or high water. Sod this life for a laugh and a picnic. Honest to god, sod it. I want more god dam it. And Im going to get more too. I will claw my way to the top, I will finish my book and get it published, I will get the life that I know belongs to me, and I will smash that lying mirror. I am a fighter not a sheep. I am someone that does not go down that easily. In the words of Gloria Gaynor: I will survive! Actually sod off Gloria, I wont just survive, I will rule my own world. Dam it, I am going to do it. And with that, I am going to the fridge to pour myself another glass full of impending doom. |
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